This chronicle is, in fact, a sequel of my previous one, "Terminal Station". There are a few thoughts that remained unsaid, and that I would like to develop further.
A few years ago I reached what they call "the third age", and retired from active work. How did I get there? Looking back now, reminiscing my past, it appears to me as if it was yesterday that I left school, started working and met my first love. Time is a tricky thing: we go on living, unaware of the passing years, but when we pause and think about them, it looks like time has caught up with us too quickly.
The great Spinoza once said: study the past to understand the present and prepare for the future. He was, of course, absolutely right. But is it studying the past a way to feel guilty for all the mistakes we have made? I don't think that this is what Spinoza meant. The past is our lifetime. It is there the way we lived it, and cannot be changed. What's the point in crying over things we should not have done? Whatever we did, it depended on the circumstances when it was done and our state of mind at that time. This can never be reproduced, only understood.
I believe that what Spinoza meant is that, by studying the past and understanding what we have done, we become wiser to live the present and avoid the same mistakes in the future. Yes, I have many regrets for things I wish I hadn't done and others when I missed the opportunity of doing the right thing. On the other hand, I'm glad and proud about many things that I did. It's a mixed bag of feelings, successes and failures.
I shed many tears in the course of my life. But grief, when overcome, is what gives you indulgence and strength to go on living. Those who never suffered, have a dry and aseptic life, and will never know the advantage of being compassionate and merciful.
There is no perfect human being, and I am not an exception. As you age, you become less critical of yourself. I am now, my best friend. It's not bad to be old, it sets you free. Do I need to worry now if I decide to spend my whole night entertained with a book, going to sleep at 6 AM and waking up in the middle of the afternoon? From the moment you're born to the moment you retire, your life is influenced by other people. When you are old, you get rid of them.
The only problem when getting old is that you acquire many physical limitations. Although you learn how to live with them, they are always present to impose you some constraints. You got rid of the people, but your body now dictates some of your behaviour. To be honest, let's say then that you have got "limited freedom". But, at least, you have only yourself to deal with.
And what about the fear of being alone when you get old? I invoke here a phrase of the famous Greek lawyer, orator and philosopher, Cicero: "nunquam minus solum quam cum solus esset", meaning "you are never less alone when you are alone". In other words, being alone is not necessarily a disadvantage. You will have plenty of time to think, dream, read and write, dedicate yourself to all sorts of intellectual activities that would be otherwise difficult to do, if you were not alone. Considering that with age your body is less apt, isn't then a good time to exercise your brains instead?
When you get older, it becomes easy to be grumpy. I never fell into this bad habit, probably because I always had a good sense of humour. In my opinion, it is essential to keep a cynical view of life, and laugh as much as you can. Laughter purifies your soul and energises your body.
At this stage of my life, I care less about what people think of me. When I do things, I do them for my own pleasure, like writing this chronicle for example. I don't really care if other people are going to like it or not. I don't even care if other people are going to have the curiosity of reading it. It's good to put my thoughts on paper, sorry, on the screen. It's like emptying my soul, and I feel good about that. I'm writing to myself, and by doing this, I know that I have spoken sincerely.
Old age is an age of selfishness. But I worked for 43 years, I raised my children, I provided for my family, and I was kind to my friends. I am not going to live forever, I am not going to waste the time I have left lamenting what my life could have been, and I am not going to worry what my life will be. I have earned the right of being wrong, the right of being myself, the right of being respected.
