I am in a situation now that I must concentrate on living my own life. Normally speaking, people live their lives according to their surroundings. Family, close friends, and work play a significant role in dictating your actions and decisions. This is inevitable if you want to live in harmony with everybody.
Normal, healthy people, can afford to invest a lot of time in maintaining a good balance in all their relationships. In my case, however, suffering from a serious illness and having a death sentence over my head, I don’t dispose of much time. If a normal, healthy person doesn’t worry too much with the future I, on the other hand, don’t even know if I will have any future at all.
In the beginning, it was quite a shock, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was not exactly fear of death, but a sort of emptiness and apathy that took over me. I’ve waited so long for my retirement to start, finally, doing all kinds of things and projects that I had on my mind... Suddenly, it was all irrelevant. How can you be motivated if you lost hope and don’t know how much time you have left?
This apathy was soon replaced by a sort of frenzy when I passed my days doing unpleasant things or tasks that I didn’t particularly like or wasn’t keen in doing. I felt miserable wasting my precious time in such way. For me, it was like throwing away my last chances of fulfilling my dreams. I became terribly depressed.
However, if we stop for a moment and think carefully, my situation is not much different from a normal person’s. Nobody truly knows how much longer they are going to live, even when they are healthy. I remember the case of a dear friend of mine, who died a horrible death, burned alive, when the airplane she was travelling, as a result of a bad landing, caught fire and exploded after hitting a warehouse at the end of the runway. She was in the late fifties, prosperous and healthy. She left a husband, a daughter and two stepchildren.
Nowadays, I even believe that I have a slight advantage over normal and healthy people in the sense that I refuse to waste any more of my time. When you are normal and healthy, you have the tendency of leaving certain things for tomorrow. It is the “retirement syndrome”: when I retire, I will do this and that, I will enjoy all kinds of things that are not at the top of my priorities right now. You want to be successful at work, and you don’t want to disappoint your family and friends. Work often becomes a limitation; family and friends become consumers of your time.
You end up postponing all the things you’d love to do for later, when you will have more time. Well, I don’t have any time, or rather, I don’t know how much more time I have. Therefore, I can’t afford to postpone anything. It’s now or never. I must live every day as if it is going to be my last day on earth. I must do everything I want now; I can’t wait.
But, if I think of my dear departed friend above, this decision of thoroughly enjoying my life every day that I am alive, would also apply to any human being, be this person healthy or not. I don’t mean here that we should drop all the responsibilities to our work, or neglect our friends and family. But we must meet a proper balance of our time in a manner that we are also able to fulfil some of our dreams.
The truth is that nobody knows what the future is going to be. If we choose to sacrifice our life in the hope that one day we’ll be able to relax and enjoy it, we are playing the Russian roulette. I’ve already been hit by a bullet, so I am going to try to relax and enjoy all the time that I still have. I’m retired, so I don’t have to worry with work any more. As far as family and friends, they will have to get used to the idea that I won’t be particularly interested in hearing about their problems. I have myself a bigger problem to deal with. I’m still here, to love and care for them, but much more in a passive way than before.
Am I being selfish? Perhaps, but I don’t have much choice. A famous writer - I can't remember his name at this moment - once compared life with a long voyage by train. He said that, most of the time, we unfortunately fail to pay attention to the beautiful landscapes we are crossing on our way to the terminal station (death). And this is true: people are usually so busy with themselves that they forget to look around.
I need to be busy with myself because of my actual condition. But I am now one stop before the terminal station, and I intend to pay a lot of attention to the landscape before reaching it...
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Friday, 22 March 2013
In my humble opinion...
Why is it that when people ask for our opinion on a certain matter, and you candidly give it to them, they usually get mad or disappointed? After all, if you don't want to hear the answer, why do you ask the question?
If you ask the opinion of another person, you're looking for other alternatives that you might not be able to think of. These alternatives maybe useful to open your mind to a new solution that would have otherwise escaped you. Should you be angry if you don’t agree with the person? In the end, the decision is yours, and you're absolutely free to ignore any opinion that you find unsuitable to your case.
It is perfectly all right not to agree with me, or debate in a friendly manner, or even ignore what I proposed. What is not all right is to be angry and insult me, if my opinion doesn't suit you. Especially in my case, where I would have preferred to abstain and stay quiet.
However, I notice that unless I’m very careful in choosing my words, people are not prepared to hear something that is totally contrary to what they have already in their minds. In other words, most people are only interested in hearing an opinion if the answer is going to ratify the choice they have already made.
Some persons are completely refractory to opinions; nevertheless they keep asking for more. And when they get them, they go exactly the other way around. For these folks, it is even more suitable to express the opposite of what you think. This may lead them to choose the contrary of what you said, which is, in fact, what you really think.
Complicated, isn’t it? But in reality, it all amounts to a bit of arrogance. People ask for an opinion, but they keep thinking they know better, therefore, the effort of the one giving the answer is a complete waste of time.
One thing that is very amazing is that the one asking for an informed opinion, completely neglects the fact that you have made an effort to listen, to understand the issue and to carefully express your thoughts. All this is some precious time of your life that you dedicated to that person. Shouldn’t he or she be grateful to you for that, even when disagreeing with you?
A bigger problem occurs when you are foolish enough to give your own opinion without being asked. Oops! Most of the time people get really upset, and an unpleasant discussion follows. This happens even with family or close friends. Already a long time ago I decided to refrain from doing this. Nowadays, I never volunteer my opinion to anyone on private or delicate matters.
I still think that the freedom of thinking and speaking gives me the right to express my humble opinion on matters that are of a universal nature. But even then, you can get into trouble. Take religion or politics, for example. People are very touchy about such subjects, and you have to be very careful when expressing your own thoughts and convictions.
If you look at blogs in the Internet, you will see what I mean. The amount of insults that some of the bloggers receive in the comments to their articles is amazing. What happened to politeness and good behaviour? Can’t we disagree with someone without being obnoxious? Language, written or spoken, is a beautiful tool that should be cultivated with love and proficiency. But, in the world of today, disagreeing means confrontation rather than dialogue.
Do I want to waste my time? Do I need any aggravation? Surely not. Someone once said: "If you're going to say what you want to say, you're going to hear what you don't want to hear.". This is absolutely true. Because of all that, I stay away from opinions. I keep my mouth shut, unless people I know very well insists in having my opinion. In this case, I make sure to tell them in advance that they are completely free to disregard it and forget it, and that they shouldn't argue with me about it.
Is it working? Well, not always, but at least it gives me the right to ignore their adverse reactions and put those persons in the black list so that I don’t waste more of my time with them in the future.
And you, what is your opinion on all this? ;-)
If you ask the opinion of another person, you're looking for other alternatives that you might not be able to think of. These alternatives maybe useful to open your mind to a new solution that would have otherwise escaped you. Should you be angry if you don’t agree with the person? In the end, the decision is yours, and you're absolutely free to ignore any opinion that you find unsuitable to your case.
It is perfectly all right not to agree with me, or debate in a friendly manner, or even ignore what I proposed. What is not all right is to be angry and insult me, if my opinion doesn't suit you. Especially in my case, where I would have preferred to abstain and stay quiet.
However, I notice that unless I’m very careful in choosing my words, people are not prepared to hear something that is totally contrary to what they have already in their minds. In other words, most people are only interested in hearing an opinion if the answer is going to ratify the choice they have already made.
Some persons are completely refractory to opinions; nevertheless they keep asking for more. And when they get them, they go exactly the other way around. For these folks, it is even more suitable to express the opposite of what you think. This may lead them to choose the contrary of what you said, which is, in fact, what you really think.
Complicated, isn’t it? But in reality, it all amounts to a bit of arrogance. People ask for an opinion, but they keep thinking they know better, therefore, the effort of the one giving the answer is a complete waste of time.
One thing that is very amazing is that the one asking for an informed opinion, completely neglects the fact that you have made an effort to listen, to understand the issue and to carefully express your thoughts. All this is some precious time of your life that you dedicated to that person. Shouldn’t he or she be grateful to you for that, even when disagreeing with you?
A bigger problem occurs when you are foolish enough to give your own opinion without being asked. Oops! Most of the time people get really upset, and an unpleasant discussion follows. This happens even with family or close friends. Already a long time ago I decided to refrain from doing this. Nowadays, I never volunteer my opinion to anyone on private or delicate matters.
I still think that the freedom of thinking and speaking gives me the right to express my humble opinion on matters that are of a universal nature. But even then, you can get into trouble. Take religion or politics, for example. People are very touchy about such subjects, and you have to be very careful when expressing your own thoughts and convictions.
If you look at blogs in the Internet, you will see what I mean. The amount of insults that some of the bloggers receive in the comments to their articles is amazing. What happened to politeness and good behaviour? Can’t we disagree with someone without being obnoxious? Language, written or spoken, is a beautiful tool that should be cultivated with love and proficiency. But, in the world of today, disagreeing means confrontation rather than dialogue.
Do I want to waste my time? Do I need any aggravation? Surely not. Someone once said: "If you're going to say what you want to say, you're going to hear what you don't want to hear.". This is absolutely true. Because of all that, I stay away from opinions. I keep my mouth shut, unless people I know very well insists in having my opinion. In this case, I make sure to tell them in advance that they are completely free to disregard it and forget it, and that they shouldn't argue with me about it.
Is it working? Well, not always, but at least it gives me the right to ignore their adverse reactions and put those persons in the black list so that I don’t waste more of my time with them in the future.
And you, what is your opinion on all this? ;-)
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Clear and Present Fears
Fear is an emotion, triggered by a perceived threat or danger. It is a basic survival mechanism and, even in our modern world, it still appears to rule our lives. At the top we find, above all: fear of death. Then, fear of losing a beloved one, fear of the dark, fear of getting fired and lose our job, fear of being alone, fear of showing our real feelings, fear of our enemies, fear of looking ridiculous, fear of new things, fear of flying, fear of becoming poor, fear of spiders, fear of public speaking, and the list continues, endlessly...
These omnipresent fears surely prevent us from living and enjoying a more pleasant and relaxed life. They largely contribute to stress, and stress, according to the medical world, is responsible for 90% of all degenerative diseases. They are also the origin of our fantasies and beliefs, such as religion, for instance. The fear of death motivates religious allegiance. Our Gods, even the present ones are created according to our own image, and not the other way around. This is easily proven because they are all Gods of fear and punishment. Do this, and you will go to hell when you die; do that, and you must seek absolution and endure penitence.
How did we get to this point of being afraid of so many things? One decisive factor is, of course, our education from the tender ages. Our parents, for some reason, think that it is easier to direct us to the right path by scaring us from doing the wrong thing. Later in our lives, we suffer the assault of information through media that are mainly based on fear and bad news. It is not exactly their fault because we buy into this catastrophic rendering of the world we live in. Who is seriously interested in knowing the details about a great scientist that just got the Nobel Prize? We'd rather watch the news about an airplane that has crashed somewhere killing hundreds of people, right? For some reason, good news seems to be tedious and not worthy of our attention.
Not only we live in fear, but we also thrive on fear. It's a stressful life, and we are doing nothing to make it easier. From Asia, we have the great thinkers who try to teach us meditation and a way to control our emotions. However, their methods and teaching are not adapted to our way of life in the Western world. Spending time every day on meditation is not really our cup of tea. We find it boring and useless.
The victory of capitalism in our Western world has also brought us the rise of poverty and criminality. Fear of being mugged or becoming poor is frequent among us. Let me tell you about a small incident that happened to me, that illustrates perfectly what I am saying. I have always been a pragmatic and optimistic individual. Nevertheless, like everybody else, I fell prey of fear many times in my life.
Some years ago, I went to New York for a few days to attend a conference. During my stay there, someone told me about a terrific music store that remained open very late in the night. One evening, after dinner, I had nothing to do, so I decided to pay a visit to this megastore. The store was located near the Lincoln Center. My hotel was not far from the 5th Avenue, in one of the side streets. I thought I could do with a good walk. I smoke the pipe, and in New York, being a lung-friendly city, the only way to smoke is to be outdoors.
I started walking at around 9:30 PM. It was a long walk, but the weather was good and I was happy smoking my pipe, going through an area that I hadn't visited before. There were not many people on the streets at that time of the evening. This didn't worry me too much because it was all new to me and I was excited about the visit. I reached the shop almost three quarters of an hour later, and I was not disappointed.
The shop was located in a tall building, and I was flabbergasted and happy to find out that they had two full floors dedicated only to CDs and DVDs of classical music, my main interest. Only in America you can find a shop like that. I totally lost any notion of time, going from row to row of new releases and historical re-editions, delighted to find so many recordings of my liking. I left the store well after midnight, with a small bag full of fantastic CDs that I had found. My visit was well worth doing and I was extremely satisfied with my shopping.
Outside, I hesitated. It was very late and maybe I should get a taxi to go back to the hotel. However, it was a pleasant night, I knew my way back, and I could do with some more smoking. So, I start walking back to the hotel. Now the streets were totally deserted, not one soul in sight. I got a bit worried, knowing the reputation of the city, and paid much more attention to the surroundings I was passing through.
After crossing a street, all of a sudden, from the dark shadows on my left, a man came out straight on my direction. He was black and tall, poorly dressed. Years of suppressed fear took over me. I thought to myself: "I'm done; I am going to be mugged and there is nobody around to help me.". I decided to keep on walking, but he stopped just in front of me. He looked me in the eyes, no smile, and said sharply: "D'you have a lighter?". I was shaken and taken by surprise with the question.
I replied timidly, nodding my head: "Yes, I do.". Then he got a cigarette from one of his pockets, put it in his mouth and asked: "Can you light me up?". With trembling hands, I got my lighter and did what he asked me. He looked again in my eyes, and said this time with a half-smile: "Thanks!", and slowly walked away, puffing his cigarette. I didn't dare to move for a few seconds, breathing with relief. Then, I resumed my walking, with my knees still shaking under the stress of my brief encounter. I met nobody else and reached my hotel safe and sound.
This little incident, that caused me a lot of stress, was a combination of fears: fear of strangers, fear of being mugged, fear of a new and unknown territory, fear of the dark, and fear of death. All these are due to my education and the way life is presented to us nowadays. It would have required me a lot of cool blood to have remained calm and in control of myself. But for this I would have needed a different education, based on knowledge rather than fear. I would have also needed to ignore the pessimistic and calamitous media that appeal to our natural interest for bad news.
Controlling our emotions, and especially fear, is no small business. But maybe, just maybe, being more conscious of our fears can help a bit. In the case of my encounter with the tall stranger, in the middle of the night, in New York, I probably could not do much better because I was under potential danger. But we are plagued by many other fears that are just a product of our own imagination and totally unjustifiable. By repeatedly confronting these fears, what is known as "exposure therapy", we can learn how to deal with them and, most surely, be capable of enjoying a better and less stressful life.
"He who has overcome his fears will truly be free." - Aristotle.
These omnipresent fears surely prevent us from living and enjoying a more pleasant and relaxed life. They largely contribute to stress, and stress, according to the medical world, is responsible for 90% of all degenerative diseases. They are also the origin of our fantasies and beliefs, such as religion, for instance. The fear of death motivates religious allegiance. Our Gods, even the present ones are created according to our own image, and not the other way around. This is easily proven because they are all Gods of fear and punishment. Do this, and you will go to hell when you die; do that, and you must seek absolution and endure penitence.
How did we get to this point of being afraid of so many things? One decisive factor is, of course, our education from the tender ages. Our parents, for some reason, think that it is easier to direct us to the right path by scaring us from doing the wrong thing. Later in our lives, we suffer the assault of information through media that are mainly based on fear and bad news. It is not exactly their fault because we buy into this catastrophic rendering of the world we live in. Who is seriously interested in knowing the details about a great scientist that just got the Nobel Prize? We'd rather watch the news about an airplane that has crashed somewhere killing hundreds of people, right? For some reason, good news seems to be tedious and not worthy of our attention.
Not only we live in fear, but we also thrive on fear. It's a stressful life, and we are doing nothing to make it easier. From Asia, we have the great thinkers who try to teach us meditation and a way to control our emotions. However, their methods and teaching are not adapted to our way of life in the Western world. Spending time every day on meditation is not really our cup of tea. We find it boring and useless.
The victory of capitalism in our Western world has also brought us the rise of poverty and criminality. Fear of being mugged or becoming poor is frequent among us. Let me tell you about a small incident that happened to me, that illustrates perfectly what I am saying. I have always been a pragmatic and optimistic individual. Nevertheless, like everybody else, I fell prey of fear many times in my life.
Some years ago, I went to New York for a few days to attend a conference. During my stay there, someone told me about a terrific music store that remained open very late in the night. One evening, after dinner, I had nothing to do, so I decided to pay a visit to this megastore. The store was located near the Lincoln Center. My hotel was not far from the 5th Avenue, in one of the side streets. I thought I could do with a good walk. I smoke the pipe, and in New York, being a lung-friendly city, the only way to smoke is to be outdoors.
I started walking at around 9:30 PM. It was a long walk, but the weather was good and I was happy smoking my pipe, going through an area that I hadn't visited before. There were not many people on the streets at that time of the evening. This didn't worry me too much because it was all new to me and I was excited about the visit. I reached the shop almost three quarters of an hour later, and I was not disappointed.
The shop was located in a tall building, and I was flabbergasted and happy to find out that they had two full floors dedicated only to CDs and DVDs of classical music, my main interest. Only in America you can find a shop like that. I totally lost any notion of time, going from row to row of new releases and historical re-editions, delighted to find so many recordings of my liking. I left the store well after midnight, with a small bag full of fantastic CDs that I had found. My visit was well worth doing and I was extremely satisfied with my shopping.
Outside, I hesitated. It was very late and maybe I should get a taxi to go back to the hotel. However, it was a pleasant night, I knew my way back, and I could do with some more smoking. So, I start walking back to the hotel. Now the streets were totally deserted, not one soul in sight. I got a bit worried, knowing the reputation of the city, and paid much more attention to the surroundings I was passing through.
After crossing a street, all of a sudden, from the dark shadows on my left, a man came out straight on my direction. He was black and tall, poorly dressed. Years of suppressed fear took over me. I thought to myself: "I'm done; I am going to be mugged and there is nobody around to help me.". I decided to keep on walking, but he stopped just in front of me. He looked me in the eyes, no smile, and said sharply: "D'you have a lighter?". I was shaken and taken by surprise with the question.
I replied timidly, nodding my head: "Yes, I do.". Then he got a cigarette from one of his pockets, put it in his mouth and asked: "Can you light me up?". With trembling hands, I got my lighter and did what he asked me. He looked again in my eyes, and said this time with a half-smile: "Thanks!", and slowly walked away, puffing his cigarette. I didn't dare to move for a few seconds, breathing with relief. Then, I resumed my walking, with my knees still shaking under the stress of my brief encounter. I met nobody else and reached my hotel safe and sound.
This little incident, that caused me a lot of stress, was a combination of fears: fear of strangers, fear of being mugged, fear of a new and unknown territory, fear of the dark, and fear of death. All these are due to my education and the way life is presented to us nowadays. It would have required me a lot of cool blood to have remained calm and in control of myself. But for this I would have needed a different education, based on knowledge rather than fear. I would have also needed to ignore the pessimistic and calamitous media that appeal to our natural interest for bad news.
Controlling our emotions, and especially fear, is no small business. But maybe, just maybe, being more conscious of our fears can help a bit. In the case of my encounter with the tall stranger, in the middle of the night, in New York, I probably could not do much better because I was under potential danger. But we are plagued by many other fears that are just a product of our own imagination and totally unjustifiable. By repeatedly confronting these fears, what is known as "exposure therapy", we can learn how to deal with them and, most surely, be capable of enjoying a better and less stressful life.
"He who has overcome his fears will truly be free." - Aristotle.
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